Have you ever felt this way?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


K: May I know wat happened btw her and H? -.- (21:31)

Z: Anything happened? O.o (21:32)

K: -.- she said u knew Zzz (21:32)

Z: Bt i duno. (21:35)

K: -.- time to ask another one zZzZ (21:36)

Z: Nw wat happened? (23:06)

K: -.- she's upset with H. Say he selfish. Swt. H initially planned to go skating mah, becoz he want to skate n J said long time din go liao... but sth happened to her leg, W said pain or fractured -.-. He din take into acc since it was her birthday. N after tat he suggested to go 4 a movie. Duno wat language movie is tat she wouldnt understand *n i tot he forced her to go 4 a ghost movie swt* tats practically wat W told me. She cried juz nw i tink. She called me when i was in taekwondo so i din ans. When i ask her she said nth -.-. Maybe she's too sensitive. (23:12)

Z: Ok i gt the picture, if tats the case, leave tis 2 me. (23:42)

K: Im exhausted oyasumi -.- (23:59)


Z: Ok listen, i duno hw 2 put tis bt u must understand tat im nt siding wif anyone nw, n im jz telling the truth, hw u justify the situation is ur own n i cant hav u 2 accept my explanation forcefully, plz at least listen. The truth is, nobody is selfish here, BT if u insist there is, then i can only say tat everybody is selfish. The truth is, H heard bout ur legs too n dcided 2 drop the ice skating part JZ FOR U, bt then he n J hav long stp skating so they reali wanted 2 gv it a shot, without u of cz. We r nt even forcing u to skate cz i told H 'if u guys reali wan 2 skate tat badly, u can make it, mayb C n W can come later n join when we r done n we only hav dinner 2gtr'. The truth is, W proposed sing K bt im concerned bout K (mayb he din shw his 'selfishness' 2 u bt he certainly kept nagging 2 me 'Why Redbox!?'. The truth is, both H and i r outta cash recently bt we jz wanted to make the best out of everyting jz so tat EVERYONE IS HAPPY! Frankly when we said skating, we din point a gun at ur head n forced u 2 join us, we r nt moron k?Dun gt me wrong im nt scolding u. The truth is, we've been planning for bout a week nw jz for ur bd, why do u tink we did tis in the 1st place? Jz bcz u r our fren! We care bout u too! N dun go saying tat ppl r selfish jz bcz of sum misunderstanding! W wanted 2 make u happy, he's selfish. K doesnt wan 2 sing k, he's selfish. H n J wan 2 skate, they r selfish. I wan 2 buy gift for sumone else while i take tis opportunity of outing tat celeb ur bd, im selfish...(00:01)

C: -_- i think everyone got it wrong and i heard it wrong. I did tell W i am fine. I know tat you guys been planning things for weeks and i know H is living under tight budget. Thats the reason i dun think its suitable to celebrate anything. I insisted to cancel it cuz the budget is tight. I am unhappy is because the pressure i was under because of this. And i heard different story. I heard that H wanted skating and drop it bcuz J refuse to skate. (00:25)

C: I tell you what i heard la. I heard H still insisted on skating even after he know injured my leg. I heard that he only stop that idea because J can't make it. I heard that he insisted to watch a chinese movie which i will not understand. I heard that everyone find it very mah fan (00:26)

C: And i insisted to cancel the thing. Cuz everyone's exam is near, tired and out of cash. And i tried my best not to know what you guys plan and talk about. But each time you make a decision you will ask my opinion. Then its no diff from telling me. I dun blame you all ok? I actually am thankful for everything you guys did. (00:30)

C: So listen. When i heard those story, naturally i am VERY HURT because i treat all of you guys as my closest friends. Then i just cried. I am not only upset because i Tot you guys were using me, i was upset that this caused such a huge problem. Cuz the last thing i want is for to be in a fight with my close and best friends and possibly losing them. You guys play just TOO important role in my life that i can't afford to lose. And guess this year my birthday present is to lose few friends. (00:34)

Z: Wei wei i told u when he insisted to skate HE DIN COUNT U IN K!? Seriously im getting pissed nw, i cant gt sum gud slp jz bcz of sum stupid sh't n meaningless struggle. C i tel u wat, jz bcz 2day is ur bd doesnt mean we reserve our whole day n plan everyting JZ FOR U. We hav tings 2 do ourselves, we were jz trying 2 make 2day abit special JZ BCZ IT'S OUR FREN'S BD! N tats why we planned u in2 our day, why dun u tink it tat way? Nw tat everyone is so nt happy and dissatisfy, why dun we drop the whole ting n carry on our own? I seriously cant stand tis anymore, though u might nt realize it bt C sumtimes u r quite bossy n self-centered, u r the one tat is selfish. Nw pls drop tis discussion as tis frustrates me n my room mate cz we cant gt to slp. Plz C, tink. Nw stop tat sms! (00:37)


Z: Tats it, everyting's gona end nw, i might end up killing sumbody so plz all stp the discussion at once. 2day we r nt going 2 hav anyting, stick wif ur clz. (to K, 00:40)

C: I ask you to drop things so that you guys no need to do all this and i am called as self centered? Nevermind. Go sleep. Have a nice dream. (00:50)

Z: Yea, 'ask us to drop it', rite after we've been thru all those troubles and effort. C u r one of those kinds, tat if u're nt happy u wil make sure ppl around nt happy, like 'chuin sai kai him jo lei'. Sry i cant hold bac anymore, even for W 2 beat me 2 death, take my words as offensive if u wish. Im f*ck up. (00:55)

C: Aih.. If i thiknk the whole world owes me i wud not have witheld W from calling you guys la. I know you guys plan alot. But from what i know you all are unable to cope. I know K came and have to go back for test. I know you guys plan for 3 weeks. I appreciate it. I really am. But if it makes you guys unhappy i wun do it. And if it is not too mah fan. I wud love to be celebrated. Its for me from you guys. Dun take it the wrong Way. (01:06)

C: In a nutshell. I love to celebrate. I love to go out with you guys. But if you all really find this mah fan i rather dunwan. My concern is you guys. I never celebrated my birthday and its ok if i dun. Just worried bout you guys. So stop being so pissed (01:09)

Z: Nw tat u said 'ma fan'. Do u tink it is ma fan 2 stop everyting rite after everyting is so well planned? Or isit 'ma fan' 2 celeb a gud fren's bd? It's nvr too ma fan 2 celeb fren's bd C. Even im sure tat K wont feel tat way though he has to rush bac, though H wouldnt tink so even he has 2 spend extra n we hav 2 take ur so called 'ma fan' 2 buy cake. Bt i dun tink anyting matters nw.. (01:11)

C: Try to think in my shoe. I heard the news. I didn't verify. I didn't accuse. I just sit and Tot about it. I heard it is so hard to do. I heard it is so troublesome. So from my point of view. I am afraid that it will be mah fan. Even you apologize to people when its your birthday. I Tot it will be a mah fan and i ask to not do it if its too mah fan. I didn't do anything else. I didn't scold anyone. Its just a second i Tot of something i was unhappy and then i forget bout it and play game. Until now i still say ok to whatever plan you guys have. I didn't tell you all to stop everything this instant. I didn't force you guys. Why you all wanna take this so seriously? Why dun we drop this now and forget it ever happened? Can you do it? Or do we need to sit and talk? (01:18)

C: Why dun you just answer my call and talk tis out and over? If keep smsing you never get your sleep (01:19)

Z: Hearing tat my gud fren is being accused of being 'selfish' is more than enuf 2 gt my nerve. No i wont continue tis nw, if u guys wan 2 keep going plz count me out, mayb im the one tat nids 2 tink n learn. N happy birthday C, tho im struggling whether to let go a fren nw. (01:25)

C: I repeat. I did NOT accuse anyone. And i am awake becuz you sms me. I repeat. If tou heard what i heard you will think the same. Can you stop putting this blame on me? And i apologize if W misinterprete it to me. Will you just stop making such a big fuss over a false issue? (01:33)

C: Honestly. Nothing pains me more than seeing W in misery. I asked him what happen and he told me everything. So at that moment i just stop and think what is going on. If it can put W in such misery i cannot imagine what can it do for you guys. Can you stop thinking i am trying to make you all unhappy? Think. FOR what purpose? So i can stay up late to sms one of my best friend which i am about To lose because he is just too pissed with false issue? (01:36)

Z: Heck, 'u did nt accuse anyone'. Unless K ever lie in a million year, u wan 2 deny u were being a crybaby last evening n saying 'sumone' was being selfish n nvr tinked bout u?WATEVER! (01:37)

C: You are getting vulgar. Get some sleep. Ask K properly what happen. Accusing someone is knowing it is not true but saying it is true. Come on, who does not think of bad things about people? For just 1 minute. Then i told K i must have been wrong and i went to sleep trying not to think bout it. Please, if you heard what i heard. You will say the same. Think what you want, analyze it how you want. If the pass few months i have not proven my commitment towards friendship then nothing will. Get some sleep. It will do you good (01:43)

C: And if you can. Keep this between us and settle between us. Dun tell H. It will hurt him more. (01:45)

C: Oh Yah. I forgot one thing. I am deeply sorry and i apologize that i wrongly accused H. I will apologize to him when i see him 2mrw. But please dun think i am a person where everyone owes me. As i Tot about not celebrating comes from a pure heart not wanting to see you all in misery (02:01)



And hours went by...
Morning came, I couldn't get a good sleep, who would?
And the moment I realized, I was sicked. My head was heavy, my throat was dry, and my nose was running mad. Did I cry? Can't tell, maybe yes, from the bottom of my heart. I tried to squeeze a smile when my room mate greeted me, but I know it was not such a good smile to begin with. Without talking much, my room mate went to school. I was left alone in the room, on my bed, all alone, in that darkened state inside my blanket. It was so dark, yes how I wished the night would never die. I hate light, I hate morning, I hate blossoms, I hate everything. I didn't want to go out, I wanted to stay still, lie on my bed, and let the time goes by.

What have I done? I thought about it, it was my false right? Yea it has always been this way, if anything would happen, and if anything would goes wrong, it must be me. I knew I am not a patient fellow, I could easily get carried away and expose all my inner feelings without second thought on what would happen. The recent events have brought me to the deepest of the deepest of my mood. I've decided not to attend classes today, not only to avoid any further confrontation and hostility, not only to avoid seeing my friends casting weird visions on me,not only to avoid ruining her birthday, not only to avoid seeing that particular "she", not only to runaway from everything, not only because I was sick, but also I want to sit and think, to think everything I've done in the past, to think all the stupid things I've achieved in the past, to think about my future, and to think about what should I do.

Honestly, I was truly regretted that I burst out lots of profanity during the discussion, I am truly sorry. Actually before this I already had too many things on my mind and I just can't take this series of events any further that I'd gone mad. Frankly in the mess of misery I have went through throughout the months I thought I found a blink of light when I can truly relax myself when we have decided to throw a celebration at her, I was really happy that at last something could make me happy. But I was wrong. To begin with, another heartbreak when one of my closest friends is being accused of being "selfish" when everyone is trying so hard just to make her happy. Thank you for concerning that you'd like to call off the celebration because of our tight schedule and budget BUT I shall repeat myself here, IT IS never too troublesome to celebrate your friends' birthday, especially when it comes to close friends as such, don't you think so? And in order to show your gratefulness, you are suppose to accept the celebration with a smile and a nod, not to call it off at last minute when everyone was so exciting about it that it'd make you happy. You were not busy, you didn't have other things on your hands, and forgive me I still can't get why you rejected our offer. On top of that I am a weird fellow too, I hate it when people keep bombarding me with messages and calls when I am focusing, if you have so many things to say, do it in one shot in one sms! I was really pissed off when your sms didn't stop and W's calls never ends, I needed time to think!

Facing the possibility to fail my degree right at Sem 1, failing to get the heart of my love one, stress from working to late hours just to earn some extra pennies that I'd be dying for now, failing to get everything done perfectly, failing in making everyone around me happy, having not recovered from the sorrow of losing a hamster earlier(more importantly it was a precious birthday gift), failing to focus in classes and studies, failing to stay awake no matter at home, hostel or classes, I'm so so so sick of everything. And here comes another misery that I ended up quarreling with my friend that is going to celebrate her birthday. Something went wrong? Yeap it sure did, and that's me, me again.

I wanted to buy a gift for her, but I have no experience in this kinda stuff. I needed the guidance of somebody else, I'm dying to do so cause I trully love her. But I don't think I can do it anymore. I would like to give up, not only to give her up but to give up everything, I'm so tired. Now not even the best listening song nor the most silly anime nor best playing game nor nice looking scenery could cheer me up, I'm so so f*ck up, I think I have got to be exhausted, maybe at times we should stop and rest at some points in our lives...

And now if there exists a door to hell in front of me I'd like to try it...