The crowds beat the crap outta me

--continue from "The Tiger got me"--

And so the insomniac-football-match went all night long and before I could recall how did I actually fell asleep (and who won the match) I got waked up by my sweet-Jesus alarm clock (their sounds are just like the worst piece of music score mankind ever created don't you think?). It's 6 o'clock in the morning and despite how tired I still was I helped my lazy fat-ass up and went for the washup. The moment there I was thinking, "Am I dreaming? I actually fell asleep, and slept for two hours! Two-LMAO-hours! I'd rather not sleeping, I get even more tired now damn it Zzz" and so on.

Had breakfast with HT and finally got to chat properly with him (no offense here J) since we had been really busy to meet up for the past three months. How you have changed HT, I'm glad that you changed for the better and not the worse, but... something was not right there, you were stranger to me like never before... Forget it.

The First Day of Schooling that I envied and visualized ---> Got psyched up for the first day and hope the spirit will last through the semester, and get along very well with friends and stuff, off to a "Happy Schooling" kinda mood.

The First Day of Schooling that I actually underwent ---> Woke up with a pair of really-bloody eyes with blood vessels all over, freaking empty stomach (nasi lemak was not enough, I think that beer last night did some kinda chemical reaction inside my stomach to make me feel hungrier), tired face, and most critical-state of all, sleepy mood.

Actually got through the first class without realizing what had the lecturer crapped in front (who the hell is she anyway?), then I asked HT "What class is this?". Aha, Probability and Statistic or whatsoever crap. I only knew that I could sleep to no tomorrow.

Okay enough with the short talk (I mean "long", sorry), the main point here is... I chickened out again.

...

Yes! The oh-so-wonderful-first-day-of-school or whatever you call it, I chickened out! I mean I skipped the next class and played a truant the whole day! No I mean, I freaked out!

Yes, I freaked out, that's the most suitable answer. Or I mean I chickened out, whatever. I don't think I would be crapping much on this here but... I actually went through a few referrence justnow and got to learn about this sickness called "Social Anxiety Disorder" or "Social Phobia".

Yes, I'm not kidding either. Apart from that hardware heartware failure that I have, I also have a mild degree of (mild?) social phobia. To put it simple as to say, I got easily freaked out in crowds of strangers.

Funny? Laugh all you want. Yes I will turn 20 this year and should be already old enough to be recognized as an "adult", but so what? I've still got this bloody annoying chicken-ass attitude of mine and it is the truth. Maybe when you were with me you didn't notice this at all cause I always get along well with people I know (friends as to say) but if you sense something suddenly goes so wrong on me (like I suddenly got freaking quiet like someone has muted me though like anyone could do this to me in another thousand centuries, or started to feel bloody uneasy and keeps my head down and casts my vision to anywhere but the floor), it was probably the tension/uneasiness kicked into the play. (this applies to strangers too though, not only crowds of them but one of them is enough to K.O. me)

So what does this Social Phobia of mine gotta do with my second class today? Well, when I opened the door and peeked through it I got stunned and suddenly freaked out by the large crowd in a small class of it. I don't know why but it seems that just like my insomnia, this phobia of mine butt in at the wrong time, at the wrong place, and the wrong occasion (that was my first Pengajian Malaysia class mind you).

"Let's get the hell outta here." is the only thing I had in mind.

Since HT did not want to attend the class anyway (he referred to PM class as "zero production" and a waste of time, how a businessman you've grown into), I played along.
"Let's go." I said.
Well the moment there it was obvious that HT was bloody surprised of what I said (I don't usually do this, and so he thinks). "What are you waiting for!?"...

I don't know, I just wanna get out of this hell of shit, before my heart collapses and die on the spot.

And so, thus went my first day of Second Semester, and I blewed it, right at the bulleyes, I blewed it freaking nicely. Heck with what I promised my parents about "off to another good start this sem, I'll do better", promises are just so fragile don't you think?

I'm so tired and sleepy.


So what do you think after all of my "abnormal heartbeat, excessive yet predictable insomnia, social phobia" thingies? Don't you start to get the feeling that I'm a bloody odd/strange/w****/scary person to be with? You should be feared of me by now, if you hadn't, you should so be.